New & Improved - Now With More Emoluments

Snippets from my email inbox:

...glad to announce that intercontinental company SHIP 307 ltd is looking for a postulants for the a part time employment

• Nah, I think if I were a postulant, I'd be looking at Perkins or Brite.

We have an oofer of convenient payment with flexible timetable. All needful instructions provided by our side on a gratuitous basis.

• In business, as in dating, I try to steer clear of oofers.  And I loathe automatic gratuities.

...seeking a high skilled employees...

• Just one(s)?  And does that mean you don't do pee tests?

Ability of fast answer company calls and emails. Strong communication skills

• Would that include using grammar, syntax and punctuation?  

Emolument : $2 500 once a month + bonuses.

• Is that the same as a paycheck? With that much emoluments for only part time work, imagine how soft my skin would be.

If you are interested regarding this opportunity please send you Resume

• [Paraphrasing Lionel Twain] Could you please use the correct pronouns?