Sunday, February 23, 2014

I don't think Jim said it that way...

King James, that is - with apologies to Waymore.

The Pastor at my church is always encouraging the congregation to read the Bible (so, right off the bat, you can tell we're not Catholic).  Additionally, he advises to read it with a sense of imagination.

Hey, I'm game.

So, our recent series, being in February and all, is themed on couples - you know, the whole romance angle.  Not surprisingly, the first first family, Adam and Eve, figure prominently.  And, after hearing a term in the sermon that I, uh, never have thought I'd hear in a sermon, I took up the challenge, and reframed Genesis Chapter 3.

"Adam...Eve - where are you?"


"Hey, y'all come on out. Seriously."

"Uh, we're over here."

"Adam, what in the world are you doing?"

"I'm, uh, I - um...I'm manscaping."

"You're what?"  You know you're in the part of the Garden I told you to keep out of, right?

"Um, yeah...that's sorta why I had to do the manscaping.  See, I had -"

"Adam, is this going to be a long story?"

"Are you in a hurry?  I mean - you are omniscient and omnipresent."

"Yes, that's true, but The Creator of the universe has got a lot on the old Outlook calendar today. I may not have any limits, but I do have standards.  Please, get on with the story."

"I'll, uh, try to keep it brief.  You know how you had said I should have dominion over all the earth and stuff?  So, I went out to Colorado to try out a new, super sweet .280 Remington - Circassian Walnut stocked, on a pre-'64 model 70 action. Pretty cool, huh -"

[Interrupting] "What ammo did you use?"

"Handloaded Hornady 154 grain Interlock over 53.5 grains of H4831SC..."

"That sounds like a good load."

"Yeah - bagged a nice 6x6 - but I was by myself, naturally, and it was a ton of work quartering that beast and packing out, and I got plumb exhausted and took a deep nap -"

"Well - actually that was my doing."

"For real?  OK - anyway, when I woke back up there was this super hot hippie chick, beautiful flowers in her hair and all - and she was naked."

"Again, that was my work - thought you could use the company."

"For sure.  She was pretty wicked awesome at first - I'd never seen anything like that - and we were really groovin' and stuff -"

"Adam, you're getting off track - again - and you still haven't told me what manscaping is, or why you disobeyed me."

"Oh, right.  So, I'd just gotten back from hunting, and there's Eve - like you said, you created her for me - and wow, she was great!  But hardly any time at all, she's starting to go all PETA and Euell Gibbons on me and stuff, nagging and telling me to eat healthier and everything.  She said I needed more fruit in my diet.  And she said she knew where we could get some."

"But I told you to stay out of there!"

"I know, I know.  She said we'd just go over there and grab a little basket of fruit, and then we could get busy and populate the earth, just like you'd instructed us. I figured it would keep the peace in the Garden. And she was naked, remember?  What guy wouldn't have done the same?

"There are no other guys, Adam."

"It's just a phrase."

"OK, can you wrap this up? I created the universe and everything in it in six days - but it's approaching eternity to get a simple answer from you."

"So we ate the fruit, and she's instantly 'I don't have a thing to wear', and I also noticed I was just in my birthday suit and started running around looking for fig leaf to wear.  Only it was early in the season, and the fig leaves weren't so large, you know, and I had to manscape to keep from looking like a weirdo."

[Walking out of the Garden, shaking his head] "I'm gonna write a book someday..."

Now, I've taken Brandon's admonition to read the Bible imaginatively to a whole 'nuther level, maybe not what he - or Ol' King Jimbo - had in mind.  The following is what was really in the sermon - but, I promise you, he did mention manscaping¹, though not quite as creatively.

In a serious vein, the video does have good advice for husbands...and wives.

Clicking on the video will make it full-screen.

Wonder what Pastor Todd has to say on the subject?  He did recently mention thinking on "homosexuality, marriage, holiness, divorce, animals, Heaven, Hell and even hair", so anything's possible, I suppose.

But I'm thinking that the sound of my phone not ringing is LB Christ Fellowship not calling to offer me the permanent guest Pastor gig.

¹ 32:09


todd said...

Hmm...where to start? Well, first, it took me longer to read this post than it did for Adam to name all the animals. And I think you have heard the phrase "Is this going to be a long story?" somewhere. And I can't believe you couldn't work in any dead rock star. And please no more selfies, even with Soccertease.

The Donald said...

Ahh, have much to learn, Grasshopper - not see three dead rocker reference in blog post?

Wayron Jennings, former Cricket, account for two reference - Genesis account for third.

Confucius say not all clues wrapped in neon fortune cookie.

The Donald said...

And I think you have heard the phrase "Is this going to be a long story?" somewhere.

No doubt. An esteemed former colleague of mine was overly fond of the phrase. So much so that he usually interjected it into an incipient erudite elocution - typically as I formed, sublingually, the second syllable of a brilliant exposition.

todd said...

*heavy sigh*