And now, people out in TV land, it's time to play Dating Sux, a fictionalized game of middle-aged relationships, brought to you by Parker & Gamble.
Here's a little sample:
You get a text from someone nice you met years ago, after your relationship broke up, asking if you know which church has a good weekend singles group. Because you had lost that person's phone number two cellphones ago, and wished you hadn't, move ahead two spaces.
Although your church doesn't have much going on for the pairing-challenged, you respond by telling which church(es) you attend, and what you like about it/them. Move forward one space.
You realize that if the person is asking you about singles programs, they must not have married the person they were dating the last couple of times you spoke to them. Go ahead one space.
Awhile later, you get a text saying you should get together for a beer at a local burger place - advance two - "as friends" - go back one space.
Time for a station break - we'll be back in two-and-two.
You realize you no longer care who, or how many, your ex- sleeps with. Move ahead three spaces.
Your person has the same name as your ex - lose two spaces.
The texter's ex's name is the same as yours. Don't go back, but skip one turn. (Look on the bright side, if they address you with the ex's name, you won't notice...or know.)
The person has the same number of children as you do, of the opposite gender. Draw and hold "Brady Bunch" card from the special cards pile, even though you may not need it.
You shrug off the "as friends" qualifier, reasoning that spending some time with the opposite gender is preferable to cuddling with your dog. And hey, it takes the pressure off to meet any expectations. Advance one.
Well, folks, looks like we've run out of time for this episode of Dating Sux (Monopoly Version). Tune in next week to see if our contestants went like james taylor for burgers and beer.
Featuring Leland Sklar on bass (who's anchored music for a veritable Who's Who list of SoCal and Nashville performers) and a nice solo by Rosemary Butler (as a frequent member of Jackson Browne's band and performer with the Doobies, Ronstadt, Raitt - you've heard her on the first refrain of Stay, before David Lindley's falsetto).
Because I can read your thought bubbles, I knew you were asking "Who?".
One of those free 'home' magazines that comes in the mailbox - you know, the kind that has all the contractors to create your own Playboy grotto and closets the size of Ward Cleaver's house - has a double page ad for underground shelters. For nuclear, tornado, pestilence safety.
Fox News reports that the asteroid that's fixing to buzz our planet...has been valued at $195 billion.
By whom?! Christie's? Sotheby's? Tarrant Appraisal District? Ebay - 'buy it now'? Who's got that listing?
Wonder what kind of commission it'll generate?
Not to be outdone, I understand some entrepreneurial Nevada women have formed a syndicate to buy it and "sell a little piece of asteroid" to as many buyers as possible.
At the Kroger this afternoon, folks were tripping over each other to buy candy and flowers.
When I was married, my wife considered flowers and chocolate a waste of money. She was sensible in that regard. I think Valentine's Day is silly - being serious for a moment, but just a moment - I think relationships would be a lot better served by being attentive to one another year 'round instead of buying kitschy cr@p on a made-up holiday.
Upon reading the headline, I thought Lorena Bobbitt was on the loose again, but it turns out the Chromodoris reticulata generates a new disposable *member* for each time at bat, and then sheds its package afterwards.
There's probably a human 'women & men' metaphor to be explored there, but I'm gonna let sleeping dogs lie.
Who says I'm incapable of exercising good judgement?
Mayor Bloomberg now wants to ban foam packaging.
First Big Gulps, then guns, now Dixie Cups. This guy's off the rails.
Y'all get the impression that SoCal law enforcement didn't want that former L.A. cop to say anything?
Swimming against the tide: Former Illinois Rep. Debbie Halvorson, a Democrat, is running for disgraced Jesse Jackson, Jr.'s Congressional district seat. Interestingly, Ms. Halvorson is pro-2nd Amendment, and has an A rating from the National Rifle Association.
Finally, a Democrat with a common sense approach to gun laws. I'm gonna watch Delkus tonight to see if Hell has Frozen Over. (Mr. Blogger, can I score that as an Eagles/Henley reference?)
The President supports efforts to discontinue production of the penny. No fan of the President I, I don't necessarily disagree.
But what will my Daughter and I put on the tracks now when the train passes?
And speaking of the President - who understands the current hoopla about drones? To the extent we're hunting down the Al-qaedae and Taliban - what's the difference between that and an A-10, F-16, or other aircraft, except that the pilot's sitting safely in a BarcaLounger in Area 51 or at Bagram Air Base?
Should they start targeting US citizens on American soil, then we have a problem Whitney Houston. But until and unless that happens, it looks like a Pontiac Tempest in a teapot. To me.
The Circus Blogger reports that Crystal's Pizza Palace in Irving is closing. It was one of my favorite places in high school and college, but in recent years, it's turned into a dump.
KERA is currently running a documentary about radioactive quack medicines and products from the late 19th and early 20th centuries.
Can you believe someone manufactured Radium condoms?
The mind reels with the marketing possibilities. Probably would give new meaning to doing the 'Neutron Dance', huh? I could probably think up more, but I shan't.
If Todd the Blogger doesn't get enough delegates in the Pope Primary, I could support Don Novello.
On Leno the other night, a 57 year old white former high school basketball coach from Kansas sunk/sank more free throws in 30 seconds than Sir Charles Barkley - by more than 2-to-1.
Florida Fugitive Futility - Night 4! Where's that convict?:
No laser, but it does have EER and illuminated reticle.
I read somewhere awhile back that STIs (I guess they're called 'infections' now instead of 'diseases' - who knew?) are prevalent among folks in my age group. I was concerned, until I learned that, in order to get one, you have to be having sex.
Hermaphrodite Sea Slugs, which shed their units after hooking up, probably don't get STIs.
Nuclear Nookie - I know I said I wasn't going to think up any more advertising slogans, but I couldn't resist.
Actual photo of an STI:
Tonight's post ran a bit randy, I suppose.
I'll probably have to deal with the S116 Standards and Practices division.
The venison sausage also has cheese and jalapeño in it. Yum!
I read recently that technogeeky researchers had come up with an invisible cellphone.
I have enough trouble finding where I've left mine. I don't need an invisible one.
Apparently the glass display is invisible, until a current is run through its matrix, or somesuch.
Gotta love the irony of the ringleader of the Amish hair and beard cutting gang having the name...Sam Mullet?
License seen today on a PT Cruiser: PRTHD
Speaking of which, I see that the Man from Margaritaville is coming to Frisco this Spring, joined by Jackson Browne.
Is this the JB² tour?
Uncle Ted at the SOTU:
I stopped at a convenience store in a not-so-great part of town last week, noticing a portable table set up on the sidewalk, attended by a couple of people with laptop computers - I figured they were doing income tax returns. Inside, a [white or hispanic] woman was talking about "if you got low income disability..." - the exact same spiel as the 'Obama phone' YouTube woman.
When I left, I noticed the banner on the table - sure enough, they were signing up people for free phones.
Because your day's just not complete until you know what The Donald has to say about today's top stories, is it?
Perusing the teletype today, the editors at S116 direct the Dear Reader to the following:
A researcher at the University of Central Missouri, Curtis Cooper, has found the longest known prime number, at 17,425,170 digits - surpassing a 2008 record by some 4.5 million digits.
Coincidentally, I spent quite a bit of last week looking for that prime number also. (I thought maybe it was in my garage - who knows? Heck, it's possible Jimmy Hoffa's out there.)
Guess ya gotta know where to look.
I'm no mathemagician, but I had a 750 Math SAT - about a hundred years ago.
Recently, I've been reading Yahoo news on my phone at night, before I fall asleep. They feature comments after each story.
The Yahoo commenters manage to achieve the seemingly impossible: They make the Circus Blog commenters look intelligent.
I interrupted my brilliant news analysis to watch the SOTU. Ron Kirk seemed to be featured prominently at the entrance to the chamber, and Stuart Smalley was shown frequently (at least on ABC's coverage).
I never did see Ted (Cruz or Nugent).
A coworker whose wireless telegraph picks up the Facebook - we'll call her Reporter #1 - received word via that channel that a former co-worker of ours who had stopped at a Southlake park to answer the call of nature got a rude surprise today.
Seems he was sequestered within the claustrophobe zone, when he heard footsteps and someone started rattling on his stall door.
At first fearing it might be Senator Larry Craig, his apprehension intensified when the new arrival pointed a gun from under the stall wall and ordered him to "Come out, you *so and so*!"
Seems some enthusiastic members of Southlake's finest thought they had cornered the Florida escapee convict.
All's well that ends well, one supposes.
I received a Pony Express dispatch this evening from my town's Marshal service, advising residents to be cautious after dark, as said bad dude has not yet been located.
I reckon I'll be fine, thanks:
A friend informs me that iTunes is having a sale on Classic Rock albums. What I don't understand is how they get the vinyl to come through the wires.
The Texas Legislature is again considering an open carry option for CHL holders. While many prefer not to carry openly, I think it would be nice to have the option, and would mitigate the burden of full concealment that now exists.
Plus, I can't say that sometime, somewhere, I might not be tempted, just once, to strap on the ol' hogleg and ammo belt, and spurs and stuff. Just because.
I was watching one of the UHF station's news/commentary earlier this evening, featuring Tracy, Troy, and Jeff Brady. I forget which station has hired Jane McGarry.
Word reaches the editorial desk that Todd the Dog Blogger Pastor is considering running for Pope.
I would support that - I think it would be an historic event to have a Baptist Pontiff.
And the beanie would also help keep his head warm in the winter months. I don't recommend wearing the pointy hat dove hunting, though.
There's a kind of fun travelogue with Billy Connolly about Route 66 that was on KERA last night:
Does anyone besides me remember the local TV news with Ray Walker and Judy Jordan?
Possibly this story² has circulated in this area previously, but I missed it: A father in Alvin, near Houston, allegedly shoots drunk driver who killed his two sons. The father has apparently been indicted for murder.
I think, though, this could be a deterrent to drunk driving.
Probably wouldn't be too popular with drunk driving defense lawyers.
Oh, and my Verbal SAT was 670, in case you were wondering.
A colleague at work, who doesn't hunt, was gifted with some venison sausage, professionally processed. He accepted it, not wanting to offend the giver, but asked me if I would like it, as he says he's not comfortable with eating deer meat.
Hey, I got no problem with that...
¹ h/t to the memory of Phil Hartman's Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer
If you've noticed the sidebar of esteemed bloggers the past couple of days, you've seen the tributes by Murphy's Law and Brigid to retired Air Force Maj. Ed Rasimus, Vietnam Veteran air combat pilot, author of several books on the subject, flight instructor, software reviewer, college professor, and blogger (Thunder Tales). This past Wednesday, 'Raz' overcame the forces of gravity and drag, and now dances on laughter-silvered wings.¹
I met Maj. Rasimus only once, briefly, in November 2011, when he was scheduled to speak to a group of aviation writers at the Fort Worth Public Library. Reading that he'd be nearby, my Daughter and I detoured our plans that day to take a few moments to meet him, as at that time I'd been reading his blog for a quite awhile. He was gracious enough to honor a request for a photograph.
Thunder Tales was one of my favorite reads. He had great insight - one supposes that facing down SAMs and MiGs over 250 times and living to write about it sharpens the senses - and a dry humor. In the comments section of his blogposts, he didn't suffer fools gladly, but he maintained a level of decorum and civil discourse rather than devolving into mudslinging, name-calling melees.
Occasionally, he would include excerpts from his books - always a great read. He was a keen observer and commenter on political matters, as well as society in general. I hope that his students understood their good fortune in having a true warrior who'd been 'at the tip of the spear' of foreign policy. A few months ago, he wrote that he was considering writing another book. I know we all hoped and prayed he'd be able to see another project through, but Life had its own plans.
I'm grateful to Maj. Rasimus for his service to our country, his fierce dedication to its principles, his warrior spirit, and his mission to educate others - young and old - about the duties of citizenship.
God bless you, Sir - may you have clear skies ahead...topping the wind-swept heights with easy grace!¹
¹ Abridged from High Flight - John Gillespie Magee, Jr.