Other Truths, Less Self-Evident

I didn't write any of these, but wish I had...it's a good break from all of the political coverage.

1) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
2) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on I-45. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
3) I used to be bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From then on it was sticks and stones all the way.
4) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire department.
5) S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
6) I saw six men violently kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
7) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
8) I think animal testing is a terrible idea, inasmuch as they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
9) You know that look women get when they want s*x? No? Me neither.
10) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
11) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
12) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this stuff before.